Here It Is

A little different than I remembered, but I was close. Below, you will come across

It was hard to work when the relatives are over from Chicago especially since the one spends more time on here, makes it hard for me get some writing done especially since patience is not a vitue that she has. Even since she was a kid -- but when I write -- I know that I have to stay with it because if I don't, it ends up being lost.
She wanted to speak to her mother -- I couldn't refuse that but with being an artist it is always hard to really drop everything especially when one is really focused.

2002-12-21 07:42:00

I had been trying to sift through all the email I recieve and a lot of the thoughts I have on the mind before I go to sleep here need to be put in the open. I stayed behind when the relatives went to the funeral for my uncle's **** ********** ****. He is a nervous wreck knowing that * is gone. I was also sifting around another journal site which I might get my cousin going on there because he is also a writer and he has an email address as of now; which now I am going to get him started on an online journal but not sure if how I am going to do this because he don't have anywhere which he can post his pictures at -- and right now he is going through a lot because of hip surgery, poor kid. Not even 18 years old and having to go through more than one surgery.
I can just see what he is capable of as a writer -- I never got to see his work yet but I have a feeling he is going to be trying to come out of my shadow a lot. I left a huge shadow on the internet -- my other cousin, three years younger than I am, could not get out of the shadow and he could not deliver the goods with his website. Ripped off every picture he could find on the internet to make his site; but he basically gave everything up there -- he tried to get an online journal but parajournal closed down before he even had a chance to really get things off the ground. I have a few invites codes on some other journals but I am trying to save those for who ever needs them and I want to get my cousins going again on the web -- especially now because they are going to need an outlet for all that they are going through right now.
I can relate because of my other cousin (maritial cousin) went through when he lost his mother because of MS; the parents came to Chicago for the funeral and they came over for two hours before they had to go back to their hotel because they needed to get back on a plane from Midway Airport in Chicago to fly back into Tampa/St. Petersburg Regional back in Florida. Their hotel was in Elgin, Illinois, where she was buried -- I don't even know. But here I am now -- at home with a lot of thoughts on my mind because Christmas is going to be coming in a few days, and with the thought that * is gone, ********* ****** *****

I am prepared for all the calls my uncle is going to get over here so it is going to be very hard to call Jamie up at times because of all the calls that are coming in. It is strange that I was actually able to talk to him civilly -- usually it is a communication of silence with a lot of dirty looks. The * who died last year was a high school teacher -- the younger sister works in a school as well. She also lost a husband -- a widow, he died of lung cancer in 1998. I never had the chance to go to his funeral and his last words to me were something about that I had a gift but I was too dark about it, it was something that I was dealing with when I first discovered what I am able of -- scares me to death at times because I wonder if that is really me who is doing the writing.
I had wrote an email to the discussion list about the death in the family and how strange the holidays are going to be without * now, the uncle's who she changed the life of and became a mother to my cousin basically is trying to find out who he is again. I can just imagine if that is me -- what * did for him is what the * family did when my mother married into them, since I was without the biological father they became that side of the family. They've been my family since May 17, 1986, and I am thankful for that. My martial grandmother convinced me to pick up a book and read -- and the first book I read was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when I was ten. Then I found the book that would begin to change my life forever -- Jaws.
A year to two years later, I gained a best friend who I had been friends with for a long time now -- since we were 13. The one picture that I remember that they took of us was when I was wearing a Simpsons shirt and had a pair of glasses on, and he was towering over me by a few inches. Still towers over me except I am a bit heavier and taller than I was then.

2002-12-27 01:25:00

December of 2002 would have to be my most productive as far as my writing goes in the literary journal -- the most that I had ever written anywhere else. I never thought that I would actually get that much out of me. Must be because of lost time that I had in 1998, since I lost the journal I had in 1998 -- that was one where I was productive in the handwriting department. One of the entries that I had penned -- I wrote on Christmas Eve, tweaked it some on Christmas Day. It was hard to work when the relatives are over from Chicago especially since the one spends more time on here, makes it hard for me get some writing done especially since patience is not a vitue that she has. Even since she was a kid -- but when I write -- I know that I have to stay with it because if I don't, it ends up being lost.
She wanted to speak to her mother -- I couldn't refuse that but with being an artist it is always hard to really drop everything especially when one is really focused. I sometimes wonder when travelling and where I can find a computer to update this journal. It makes me wonder how these other writers with kids work without any disturbances; that is one of the reasons I sleep during the day. So I know when I can get all this done, where I can get a lot of my brainstorming in the phases where I have the focus to write.
The entry that I wrote on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is the sequel to the one I wrote on 2 Dec 2002. This one is titled Hours of the Subsiding. I never thought that I would have so many -- but the only time I really had this many entries was in October of 2001. I basically shocked the hell out of myself when I was able to bring this entry out of me -- this is one that is just as dark as the one that I wrote a few days ago. But by far, I have to say that Reflections Fading has to be one of the darkest that I have written as far as my emotions go -- being that this Christmas holiday would be one of those that basically was not the same because of the * being gone.