Expose The Tard Exposing the truth from as far back as 1993.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

"There's three sides to every story, his, mine, and the truth." or "I am just a prick to the assholes"

Mon, Oct. 6th, 2003, 09:25 am
Accusing me of being a racist when you don't even know a goddamn thing about me, shame the fuck on you. Before you delete this post hear me out, the reason I get shit on is because I do have conservative views and will piss a few people off because of that. And to get enjoyment out of the pain of people who have a mental illness? What the hell is wrong with you? I suggest you pulling the fucking post you made about me before I make this one I made of you public. Don't blast on me because I will blast on you right back and by the time I am done you would be wondering what the hell did I just say to you until you think about it. When you respond to this, put yourself in my place -- see it from my eyes. Before you listen to a troll like taintedpeter. He is no friend of mine, and that is proof -- theonebob blasted me from day one I had the community in my control. Two can play the blacklisting game, and it is an ugly one -- so here are the rules, I take down your email address, you take Peter's post down. Peter's been nothing but a thorn on my side since I banned him from the Goth LiveJournal Community.
I have every reason to be pissed off at you but I ask you this, be a fair judge before you take sides. This is my side of the story. And it goes further back than what Peter states, in fact it starts when I got banned from Dead Element.com where he was one of the mods and this fucker tossed me because I called him a self-rightous fuck. You are no better than they are by posting that, now be the better person and delete the post -- stay out of it. The grudge between me and TheOneBob is something that is just between me and him. Before write me off as another hack who is just trying to save my neck, I am coming at this with an angle of a bill collector because I learned how to deal with impossible people. You are no worst than Marc Fischer who posted an article about a friend of mine when he did not do his research. As you are making the same mistake with me at this time, don't underestimate me because I am one of those who will be that thorn in your side that will not end. You made war with the wrong person when you did that post. There's three sides to every story, his, mine, and the truth. And you are just hearing one side and you are the one who has the closed-mind because I have a mentality that falls in the mainline conservative, you are more likely to post something by a homosexual without hearing the side of a straight person.
You proving to be every bit of a liberal whiner as they are -- so with that, this makes your site the worst of them all. What I do is the lesser of the evils. Is the reason to have the site you work with to be an asshole, well it worked because you are dealing with one of the most infamos assholes on livejournal. Give me one rational reason not to take your name of my own blacklist, is it because you are communist -- that is close? I had been watching this site since the beginning that I had joined livejournal, I had done my rearch on you and waited for the right time to do this. And this is no better time than the present. All I say is look at the situation from my eyes and figure out what would of you said -- if you were me, you would of been just as venomous as well. Just being around is known to piss a few people off every now and then, it comes with the territory and I pissed off Poppy Z. Brite. I am not going to let you push me around because I had been around a hell of a lot longer than half of these fucks. I have been almost around as long as your "fucking hero." You should fucking know better, you cannot out smart a smart-ass. It is where Peter and Onu both hacked my account on the friend's message board.

Tue, Oct. 7th, 2003, 03:08 am

What your perverse veiw is right is, I am just a prick to the assholes and you apply to fall into that coin of being an asshole. Murder groupie.

Tue, Oct. 7th, 2003, 05:15 am

As you can see I am giving you the middle finger right now and telling you to go fuck yourself. Find a rifle and perminately sew it to your ass, and on timer it would pull its own trigger shooting you with it.

Today's Nicky crap is only three days old


I live in a full house (uncle, a cousin, and their spouse.)
Seriously? You think we buy any of that? Your pictures that you posted on that site are a giveaway you are still in the same basement, your grandparent's basement, as you've been all along. See the wall directly next to your keyboard? See how the computer is obviously in a corner? Same rock covered wall you haven't moved and they haven't pass on thank goodness.
I am a recluse in nature but yeah I am trying to get back into the dating pool (yes ladies I am single, straight, and available.) I am often at home writing a story or working on the magazine but when I get something published I will go out and celebrate. One thing I am planning to do in 2008 is try to have more of a social life.

You'd have to get over your drinking problem to get back on the dating scene and neither will happen in our lifetime.

I am an author and trying to get something on here going without the assholes going around chasing me around blog to bkog making my life online a constant living hell.

You were told years ago by family members to stop picking fights on the web and just write your crap. No one's fault but yours.

I had one jagoff impersonate me on lulu.com and doing a book called Munchkinland. Whoever really wrote that book needs to be berated and ripped their nuts off.
Most men get mad and want to punch a guy in the face. You want to touch their balls.

I am the author many don't want you to have and they try to pass me off as a joke but when in truth they do it because they are scared shitless of what I am going to become

An alcoholic?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

no one came to visit me

four years ago around this time,,,, [04 May 2003|10:05am]
That night was the night I will remember for years to come because that was the day when I had the nervous breakdown. That was one of the longest days of my life; but one where I knew that I was sick and there was nothing I could do about it. Sick in the sense of the mind not of the body, and that is the kind of sick where they would want to put the person someplace. Someplace, that is what people refer to about a hospital for the mentally unsound. They always refer to it as some place. This was the case when I describe of the mental health unit in Mason City, Iowa, the place that is called Five East. I visited my then fiancee, now ex-girlfriend, when she was up there and then another friend of mine who saved my life when I had thought I was going to die from heat stress -- she is now placed in Cherokee.
When I was visiting the then girlfriend when she was there, I was trying not to make references to Robert Bloch or One Flew Over The Coo-Coo's Nest. I rememberd a lot of the dirty looks I got when I walked into there -- they said I belonged in there more than she did, but when I went to go visit the friend up there it was about the time when Columbine happened. Then while I was to go in there -- no one came to visit me, but it was something that I felt it was better that no one did come visit me during that time. I was in there with a lot of people who were having different mental health problems. I think I might of scared the nurses when I started drawing a particular drawing of a chapel which was done in all greys and ink. The one thing which made the big difference in the hospital with me and with the ex and the friend were that they were committed -- I signed myself in. I have known that I had a mental illness for a few years -- namely a learning disability, but it was in the last part of 1999 when I learned the extent of my illness.
My parents had no idea how mental illness fell into the family. They were guessing it has to be the biological father -- that is what scares me because of the fact I don't know when Mr. Hyde would come out again. That is how I describe it because I can be mild-mannered then turn into the monster the next. Where I started this journal was a way for me to help me feel like I am still in the control of my illness. Some of my friends who've I have known for many years are just learning of my dianosis and trying to figure out how they could help me; and that was basically the case four years ago on May 5, 1999.

Baltimore, Maryland Finale

Here is where it gets very interesting; after returning from his trip he takes over a month to post agian, doesn't have any pictures because his camera supposedly broke, and he is very ill from being exposed to the elements. At this point in his life he wasn't ready to tell anyone just what happened. He did eventually, and his hatred for homosexuals became more intense because of his trip. Would anyone, Nicky perhaps, like to fill the others in on what exactly happened on that trip?

Back from Maryland,,, [10 Apr 2003|01:47pm]
The digital camera went to hell so I could not get the pictures off the thing. It was an interesting trip to say the least though, found myself coming home with bronchitis though. I have some new pictures up on the other journal which I took on the train using a 35mm -- one camera pic that was done was actually a mistake but turned out to be an interesting picture to say the least. Going around the capitol was something of a head trip when it was in the colder months -- it started getting cold when I was getting ready to come back home. I am now just easing back into the hours I had before I left for Maryland -- but now I have been trying to fight this illness. I'll go back though in time but I am thinking about the next GothCon, being that I have no idea when it will be but I am planning to go though. I spoke with Snow a little bit back in November before I found myself falling ill the first time.
My lungs right now are a little shot but I am improving some, I'd stay in bed but I have to go to the doctor -- the shrink, the one for my mind. I have managed to do some writing as well and that can be found on my other journal. The radio appearence went without a hitch and that will be going up here as well -- interesting interview to say the least. I could hold my own with Vlaz -- the dude should take up stand up comedy as well being some of his humor might rile up a few tough crowds. I was supposed to meet up with Scary Lady Sarah but I found myself ill -- I did not want to give her what I had, being the cold is the contagious thing but the bronchitis is something that evloved out of that. What scared the doctors was that they thought it was the thing that was going around in Asia.

Baltimore, Maryland Part 5

Sorry for the confusion but this is Part 5 since his post about being banned from campus technically counts as number 4 in the series.

It will be less than a week that I will be taking the train to Maryland, but I have to leave on Tuesday to get the radio engagement going. I'll have to make the trip to the library to print out the narrative I am going to be reading on the morning show, and as I have that picked out I am writing one exclusive for the community, Awake By Night. It is titled Tundra Sands, and it was one that I was writing in a paper notebook to begin with then I went and started to write it up on the journal itself. It is rare that I actually wrote something right to the internet but thought I would write this one here. It is one that I will be working on from now until the time I leave form Chicago, a work in progess so to speak but I have a feeling I migth be able to get two full pages out of it if that typed. The narrative as I am typing this is going to be a strange one indeed but will be trying it out on the crowd from melo, to see what they think of it then would be passing it to the community.

[07 Mar 2003|11:31am]
A year ago I joined up with a place called Devientart. I did this more for myself -- as a place where I can post some of my artwork when I do feel inspired to draw but as of late I had not been able to really think of anything at the time being. Though I have this notion the moment I get back from this trip to Maryland I am going to be coming up with a lot as far as the drawing goes. I haven't really done anything as far as drawing since mid 2002. Photography was another story though. I had been playing around with the digital camera that I picked up on Christmas Eve. I am going to have to pick up a memory card so I can put this camera to good use when I am in Maryland. I am excited about the trip and the radio appearence, I am just shocked that I am actually invited to appear on the morning show.

Baltimore, Maryland Part 3

[11 Feb 2003|05:58am]
I had been very productive as far as my writing is coming -- I wrote one in my literary journal, which was a dream which came about after getting the tickets for the train. It would have a bit of forshadowing of the trip to Baltimore, being that I am very nervous about the trip because I had no idea which one I needed to be on at the time until I called Amtrak. So with this narrative, it is titled Within The Eclipse. I will be writing to a few e-lists to find out if there would be someone who knows of a few places that I could get a hotel for under $199 a week. Someone from a community offered their couch but I hate to impose especially since if I don't know them very well. In the note of what I am packing -- I was looking into packing a book that I got from Ceara before I became very ill. I was reading this upon handing out candy to trick or treaters, Halloween was when I started to show signs of a bad cold but it became to be something meaner than a cold. Though it felt good that I managed to get this writen out -- I was trying to write this on a notebook but could not get further than a paragraph. It seems like I could come up with more if I was writing on a computer.
The pain was starting to come to my back again -- the arthritis is something that really keeps me from doing a lot. There are a few saying I use this as an excuse but if they knew how it happened they would understand. Though it would play with the imagination, and sometimes I would need to take some Tylenol PM just so I could go without the pain for once. It was from the pain that I wrote this one that is on the other journal -- it is funny how I am coming off on a really productive note. Not so much on the journals but on the web site itself is a different story there; needed to get a strong update going in a long time -- and with the updates to the journals -- seems like I abandoned the main one but been trying to revamp that as of late.

Baltimore, Maryland Part 1

In the coming days expose the tard will be featuring a series of posts leading up to his ill-fated trip to Maryland. As many already know somehow which means Nicky himself told you, he accepted an offer from a stranger on the internet to stay at said stranger's house with very terrifying consequences. Yesterday's post was out of order so I will post the following then get back on track. This is titled "Baltimore, Maryland Part 1" and the following post will be "Baltimore, Maryland Part 3" since the "child abuse" post technically falls in-between the two.

For those that don't know what happened to Nicky on that trip, why he ended up sleeping in freezing rain which supposedly let to his bronchitis, ask him.

March 27th,,,,, [07 Feb 2003|03:28am]
It would be official -- on March 27th of this year I am taking the train to Baltimore, Maryland. I wanted to go check out the Edgar Allen Poe house and his grave -- being that it would be a bit of a rite of passage for someone who writes in the psychological style of gothic literature. I am writing a letter to Scary Lady Sarah of the details of the plan as I am trying to come up with it. I am hoping that I could find a motel that is under $30 a night so I could stay there a week. Or even maybe a boarding house; I am used to places like that anyway because I used to live in one when I lived in Iowa. I am nervous about the idea of the trip because I only know one person who lives in that area.
So upon writing this entry I am going to be sending out emails -- hoping that one out of those would be able to give me a few leads. Basically I would have to do like I did before I was going up to Canada for three weeks, in that email correspondence -- I found the Canadianna Motel. I stayed there the last half of the trip. So with this I am hoping that I could find a place that is not too pricey. Especially since I am going to be on a budget -- being that I have to eat as well.

I am going to take that non-fiction book to the press and expose the tards for what you are

I got an email the other day that was sent to myself and a few others complete with the picture below:
Subject: not even close to breaking me assholes
I don't plagiarize anything fuckbag. I guess you assholes really don't have a life but if you want to do something productive why don't you fucks do a story collection trying to discredit me if you have the balls I think I will pirate that and plan my next non-fiction book dealing low-brow assholes like you. You fucks like to hide behind many names but I think all of you are one in the same. Still think my career had gone to shit, your souls had gone to shit. My career is going to take off before everyone knows and all the bad press you fucks been giving me is going to push my book sales even more. So you think you want to start something-- grow some balls and try to do videos burning my books you nazi cocksuckers. Do you fuckbags have anything better to do than to fuck with people's sales. As for the one -- I you never read Blood Contender to even tell, and two it is an entirely different entity, Supernatural Broadcasts isn't even online to begin with and I didn't even show that story to anyone. You assholes are yellow journalists.
This is where you are all going to fail and fail hard. That non-fiction book is just starting to get wind, and will get noticed for it being a book sending each and every one of you straight to hell. I got published because my work is 140% original. My non-fiction got me published in more places and I guess my career as a non-fiction author is going to begin even more and yeah I want to ask this question, where do you get your sources from about me -- really. You call yourselves "journalists" -- come on, all you fucks are and consider yourselves to be faceless bloggers who are scared of the reality my name as an author is going to get out there and yes I am getting praise for that non-fiction book, An Eye In Shadows. You know, I am going to wave the fact I am going to invest in getting an ISBN for that book. That might be too much information for you assholes to take in all at once, and you celebrate mid-list assholes who don't deserve any acclaim. They just got lucky because they had a friend they met at the right place and the other was just spreading her legs to get a publication deal.
My reason I became a vlogger is to prove I am real and that proves it right there. I am not some kind of fraud here, it is you assholes who are the frauds. Getting people to believe utter bullshit about someone before they get the actual source of the person and that is right from the person himself. IF anyone is tainting the airwaves it is all of you, your slanderous claims that you make. All I am going to do is the right thing and that is taking all of you down. It's going to piss you off all the more that 2008 I will be getting a novel out there based off The FANDOM WRITER. That kind of story is written about fucks like you. I guess you find those real person slash fics entertaining. If anyone is stealing my work, it's you fucks. If you want a better reason to hate my guts -- I am going to give you a better reason to hate me, I am going to take that non-fiction book to the press and expose the tards for what you are.
Fuck with my career, I fuck with you tenfold. Cowardice on your parts. Trying to pass that valentinevegen personality off as one of an imaginary entity, yeah right I have proof beyond proof that you assholes are trying to stiffle everything I worked hard to gain. My fame is beyond anything you fucks can beyond to grasp. **line omitted for select reasons**, and the scary thing is I am that hot bucket of steaming piss that will be thrown all over your faces. I am going to take you assholes to hell, and prove that you fucks are going to see to it that I will never get a dime in this business. It makes me sick that you all would celebrate stories written for the flaming fruit loop population. I am not going to apologize for shit, and you assholes think it is a big joke to impersonate me on myspace and such. I've seen one of the recent accounts and got you shut down.
You're all a bunch of cowards scared shitless of change, and yes there is a revolution going on in the industry and you're all scared of it. I am kicking the doors down and yes there is a scar in the business that An Eye In Shadows is responsible for. I guess you fags go around stealing everyone's stories and even stealing movies from the movie theatre too -- it sounds like something you fucks would do, go into a movie theater with a video camera and sell copies of the movie after you bootlegged it.

"banned me from the campus"

6:04 am
What thoughts are in my mind at the moment -- so many racing but to write of them would be a bit difficult. The trip being closer by the day and by the week, the trip gets closer and closer -- where I am actually thinking of revisiting Wheaton once again. Near the college that had banned me from the campus, all because I think a bit differently than they do around there. I got the ugliest of looks over there when I would visit a friend of mine who was a student there at the time. I was listening to Vlaz on the morning show, and they were talking about how they were just allowing the students to dance off campus and for them to actually go out, allowing them to have an occasional beer. I met a few Wheaton College students when I was going to College of DuPage, used to smoke with them during the class breaks in Philosophy 100.
The one that I remember the most of that class is studying the God question. This was the one that invoked the most discussion, a lot of mind play . There were a lot of dark questions that were asked in there and some of them I remember now when I would go and do the writing. Where I mention Wheaton College, I have always got this bad aftertaste of when Public Safety over there accused me of being a Satanist. Just because I write gothic horror and read books that tend to explore the darker side of life. Friends of mine who were students there gave me the ugly looks because I listen to Danzig and Slayer. At one time I really wanted to go to school there because I wasn't too far from home, but hearing about all the rules -- I might of been thrown out because I thought too much for myself and spoke my mind no matter what they thought.

...accused of child abuse

1:29 am - reasons for wanting to go to Starved Rock,,,,
The reason I want to try to get the trip to Starved Rock going within the next weeks or so being that I want to get my mind off what came down on the 20th of April, the Columbine anniversery as well as the day of when I got accused of child abuse. That was the weeks leading into my actually signing into the hospital -- actually might get outing done on the very day of the anniversery of when I signed myself into the hospital. I signed myself into the hospital on May 5th, 1999, being that I knew that something was very wrong with me and I did not know what it was. That was the day I learned that I had a depressive illness, and when they took me in to do the MMPI testing is when I learned of the bipolar diagnosis. I was trying to enlist into the Army at the time but it was on a snap descision and could not find my DD2-14's from when I was in the Navy. So that was more the reason I want to do the trip -- to get the memory of the nightmare off my mind. I have a lot of nightmares about that day because of the fact I get the inquisition dreams at times and sometimes those are the ones that really scare me because I keep thinking my **** is going to hate me, like how I hate my biological father.
I think that is the reason I write so much, being that I have a lot on the mind and the reason I travel as much as I do. I have a wanderlust at times which I cannot seem to stop at times. I never travel by Greyhound though -- cramped quarters. The sleeper cars are cramped quarters but at least I was able to lay down if I was feeling ill.

I was not a big person in high school

Sunday, December 29th, 2002
8:09 am - you were in special education?
The journal that I got going at diary-x is now listed in a database of weblogs and journals. I never even thought I'd be added to here but for me to be listed -- that is a good thing because it would allow me to get new readers to the written works that are on there, and the nice thing about that journal is that they don't need to start in order. It basically a collection of narratives that I wrote of the various nightmares that I had over the years and being that I am dianosed with a mental illness and a learning disability. I had to live with a nightmare of being tormented day in and out when I was in school -- those type of things tend to stick with someone when they are older in life. Teased as a youth -- think differently as an adult. It is all the same when they are kids now except they would not think twice about putting a bullet in the bastards head for making fun of them.
What was it like being in special education -- depending on the person who was in there. Some people tend to take it better than others but where they are treated like they are less of a person or not a person at all is when the nightmares become inked out. The only time I really felt semi-normal and not disabled was when I was in college. Everywhere else I feel so clumsy at times. I sometimes wonder how I even last at times or even got myself off the street when I was in Iowa. It was back in February 1998 when I was sleeping beneath a bridge -- almost as someone a few years ago told me when I was 17 that I was going to end up in a cardboard box.
I have been called a lot of names by my peers -- nerd, geek, dork, fucken reject, and spaz were some of the nicer ones. They got meaner with them at times, and sometimes I start poking back -- usually when I did this I would get really macabre about it with the humor; they don't like it or when they get punched in the head. This what I do with the diary-x journal is the punch in the head to those who basically made it a sport out of making fun of me. I would love to see them reading this and wonder why the hell did they make fun of this person. Also for those who are now bullies -- they might not see what their future would hold, so I wrote the piece 13 Oct 1993.
They don't even know what those names do to someone like me -- now I am one who would use the inspiration to write but someone who was younger than me would take and try to either shoot them in the head or stab the person in the shoulders with a sharp object. I was not a big person in high school, more the target for bullies -- parents did not like to spend a lot of money on me or did not have the money because of all the bills they were paying out for the house in Glendale Heights. I did tend to relate better with the adults than of my peers -- one teacher discovered that I had something, but I did not know it yet at the time. Alll of that name calling I took, and tormenting that I took kept me from studying in class and my grades suffered because of it.
The ones that were the worst about it would have to be the underclassmen -- especially the ones who were towering over me by about a few feet. I did have a few friends during that time and wonder what they are doing now type of thing, but the ones who tormented the hell out of me might be reading some of my writings on the internet and wondered who the hell they were messing with then. When the glasses were no longer needed -- what came out was more frightening, and here Iam now -- far more cryptic and haunted with the thoughts.


1:23 pm - over the years,,,, I was sifting through some old pictures -- one that was done about December of 2001 where it was brutally cold. It was not as bad as the January that was this past winter though, but I can remember it was that close. The camera that was used with this one was ended up lost in New Orleans when I was getting ready to come home from Goth Con. That was one of the rare pictures were I was actually smiling. Since that picture I had not really smiled in years when I did various pictures -- even in high school, the photographer had a hard time trying to get me to smile. Sometimes it is hard to remember where we are now if we forget where we have been -- at many times I think about that.
Some of the pictures that were used over the years were actually icons on my livejournal at one time or another. Never really posted them directly in a message because of the way I had the journal designed -- being it was fused with one of my other journals. The very first pictures where someone snapped a few when I was dosing were done in December of 2001, and that was by the bus driver who does the shuttle back and forth to Joliet. That here I am looking back on the years after high school --- I have done quite a bit as far as the travelling goes, but in December of 2000 was the last time I would ever get on a plane. November of 2000 is when I started to get an online journal -- that was the experement as I called it, the one that became Shadowed Thoughts. I was going to use it as a travel journal which I still use it for that and that also became a dreajournal along with the one that I had going now for a little more than two years.
I noticed something over the years, how I went from being a person who was teased a lot to someone who wrote some of the darkest literature online. The question is how does a person like that become the person I am now. I kind of wonder what they would think now when I enter to my class reunion -- a state trotting mistanthrope who writes horror. It sometimes leaves an unnerving thought that some from my graduating class are dead or doing time in prison. That is an observation that my parents made of their graduating class -- as a friend of mine once said in the yearbook, "We've fucked up your world like our parents did for ours." I wonder what the guidence councilors would have to say for themselves if they come across a journal like this or the one that I have outside of here, a journal like I use for the speculative writing. It would not of crossed my mind in 1994 that I would become a full time aspiring writer a little after graduation. A college drop-out who continued to write through ill health and many doses of bad luck.
I have managed to be in contact with a few of the former English teachers that I had when I was in school -- one of them got the hell scared out of them when I gave her something that I wrote. She always hoped that I would not write horror, but deep down it was there. That person when I was 14 wrote a story that as a slasher type of story which had suspense at every turn -- think it must of been the books that I read when on the way up to an outing with a scout troop I was with. This was a troop that I wish I stayed with all the way -- possibly became an Eagle Scout, but my parents worked too long and did not have enough time. Never (correction, only one time) came to my sporting events when I competed in wrestling and track, and being in the special education system -- going into a sport was my way of trying to break a stigma. Since I was not able to do it with sports in college I did it with writing -- used to go to open mic nights when ever I had the chance while some of my friends went to bars and bible studies. I made my way to coffee houses and tried out what I had with them. I heard all the names that I was called -- retard and a few others, I often would cuss them out about it. Then one of them came to me when they lost their dog -- I gave them the look, "why the hell should I help you after all the shit you gave me in school? Okay I will help -- only because there is an animal involved."
I am in touch with a small handful from the old area, been planning to go back there for a few days but it is a matter of when I will though. If I do the class reunion, I would try to meet up with a few of them first a few days before the event. I will try to invite them to a Twilight Tales that is going on in Chicago -- hope they would do the reunion in the winter months because that would be the best effect I can do the reading. Where it would come in the description of the American Siberia. I ran into one of the former classmates on the train when I was in Chicago for a convention. I kind of wonder what they would say if they saw the photography I am doing now or days. Namely the ones in Joliet and the ones that I did when I was in New Orleans. There were a lot of time where I felt very depressed -- that is when I went out and take pictures just so I would do something creative. The guidence councilers never really encouraged the creative outlet hence I kept the writing a secret until after high school when I knew of another writer -- her genre was romance but when she saw I was doing with it, she actually said I was a better writer than she was.
I wonder what happened to this person and if she is still writing. I would not surprise me if she got into writing in the gothic tale after the meeting up with me after high school. I was wondering if the writers who wrote for the literary magazine are writing as well these days -- I remember a lot of talented people who contributed. Some of their works actually had planted that seed for me to do what I am doing. Harassed as a teen -- been called retarded, think a lot differently as an adult, dark by a lot of people. And in that darkness came a lot of my creativity, while I was discovering that I was becoming ill and there was nothing I was able to do about it. Where I learned of my illness -- I used that as a focal point on where ot write, at first I used a faith that long abandoned me.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

"Getting approval from him is almost getting the nod from Stephen King himself."

Date: 5/1/04 at 12:34PM

I thought I would pull this out since some people don't believe me that Joe Bob Briggs read the story Library of Bones. This is were I got some real recognition. This will back up my claims about how my work is. I thought I would post the email in its full form. Those of you who been reading my modblog for awhile -- Elygian if you remember the show Drive In Saturday Night or Monster Vision, this guy would need no introduction. This email appeared in my inbox on Tuesday, July 01, 2003. I cannot believe it is a year in July when he emailed me. This is the perfect timing for me to send him a book review for Terry Vinson's book. I am going to make sure that this book in the hands of JBB. I will be emailing him within the next few days with the writing sample, Shit, he got that already when he read Library of Bones.

Dear Nickolaus,
Sounds like you've totally got it going on, bud. I agree with several of your observations, especially about Kevin Williamson and Stephen King. I think Big Steve has an edge now he didn't have before, so it's baffling that he's considering retirement.
Keep up the good work, man. And do me a favor and send me your postal mailing address so I can put you on my mailing list for the propaganda I occasionally send out. Among other things, I'll be hitting the road soon with my one-man show, and I want to drop you a line before I come busting through Chicago.
Hang in there,
Joe Bob

That was just a thrill for someone that famous to say they have been reading my work. This is Stephen King's best friend. Getting approval from him is almost getting the nod from Stephen King himself. I have to send him a link to House of Spiders. So I will be doing a book review soon enough for his site -- and it would be cool if I could actually be part of the book club. He is best known for being a b-horror film reviewer. But for him to send me feedback on a serious horror tale, this is something that does more than kick ass. I will have to do reviews of both The Face and Other Fantastic Tales by Ronald S. Dondiego and Bone Chills by Terry Vinson. Now I need to pick up a copy of Nocturne and Neon. One thing about Joe Bob Briggs, the guy deserves a lot of respect. I looked up to this guy when I was a teen. It was because of this email that I am so driven. So Jimmyboy, still think I suck?
Recently, Nicky submitted a story to a magazine and very obviously ripped off another author which surprised no one. Even in letters and emails he plagiarizes, as seen below.

It was a suggestion of a friend that I should send a story out to a magazine. I have sent one to this editor from Margretville, New York. Elizabeth decided to take on the task of looking at Wrong Side of the Tracks. At first she thougt the story was interesting, but damned dark for her magazine. I thought about trying again with another essay -- titled The Cavern.

Editor: Legions of Light Magazine
Margretville, New York.
August 19, 1998

Dear Elizabeth:

This is a narrative about one the places that I have been to in the recent years, and what I am about to tell one about the place almost got me arrested for trespassing because one was not supposed to be in there. It was back in September of 1997, and the air was about as stale as the dead in the Wheaton Cemetery. I was looking around in the vast darkness of the old, Gothic seminary and what I was told of the place is that which is haunted, but one should not know of this because they were dead in the Midwest Bible Belt. What one had told me of the place is that the Marynole was not haunted -- only that the teenagers of Glen Ellyn, Illinois had known otherwise about the place because of the ghost stories that were told about the old, Roman Catholic seminary about being watched by a dead priest in the shadows of the abandoned chapel.

It was to my curiousity that I decided to take a look around inside of the infamos Marynole -- I still remember what I had seen to this day, the images were straight out of an old horror tale written by H.P. Lovecraft or Robert Bloch. Only that what wasn't something out of horror fiction, but this was known as horror fact. To this day, I still think about that place -- the thoughts that compile the horrors within my disturbing nightmares. I haven't penned of the place or spoke of it until now and the only other person that knows was a person that I have emailed back in August when I just walked around the outside of the place. The vibes on had felt from walking around that place was there is a apparition in there; an apparition that was in form of a clergyman. One cannot really explain what I had seen in that place, but there were many theories about the supernatural -- theories that one will come to terms with in an area such as Wheaton, Illinois, because of a strict Christian population and Wheaton College.

Living in Mason City, Iowa, I cannot really speak of this because if I did -- one would surely have me committed because knowledge such as this is claims of witchcraft, but I have spoken to a Mason City Police Officer about the Marynole Seminary and he was intrigued by the ghost stories of Illinois. He said that he wanted to search for the haunted places around DuPage and Cook Counties -- I told him that there was another place in Illinois was supposed to haunted as well. This place was also home of a Satanic Ritual, but the thing that drawn people to White's Cemetery is that the churchyard had a phanton limoline -- in fact, a friend of mine was chased by the phantasm throught the churchyard and they also have a house that dissappeared into the vast darkness, the history to the house was that the place had burned to ashes back in the 1950s. I had been to this place as well, on the night of Hallow'en, of 1996 -- I had been writing volumes of short fiction and poetry when three of my friends had told me about Cuba Road.

If one may ask how does one get the ideas to write the horror fiction, this narrative that I have penned will answer some of those questions -- and the horrors within the imagination are left without description, to what is spoken of in the open and what is left inside of their mind long enough will lead to the question of one's sanity. What is written leads to the close with the quote of H.P. Lovecraft -- "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is the fear of the unkown."

Nickolaus A. Pacione
And he doesn't just try to rip off authors, he fancies himself the next Danzig

If you want to know more about me -- go to Writings From The Grave, and I do reflect the death of innocence. Though I don't go to church anymore -- I still hold on the belief in God, but it is in the eyes of one who is Gnostic; not as I did back in 1994. If some would say that I am a bigot, ask my cousin Amie because she would understand why. I still believe in the traditional couple and the tradition marriage so if you disagree with this, don't push the rainbow flag down my throat because I would debate this until the end of time. Don't ask me to accept it because I won't.
I am a thrash metaller who crossed over into the gothic back in 1996, but trying to do a hybrid with thrash metal and gothic because I had grown up listening to Slayer then discovered a Chicago band called November's Doom. Metal is the music that is in my heart and blood, if I could get a band going on the lines of Danzig I would be very happy. I also maintain Blind Sistina, a gothic community for the horror writers with the backgrounds of doom and speed metal. I had added a guestbook to this journal since there is still a handful of blind bastards that think that livejournal is home of my writings -- they are dead wrong, so wrong if they were a lightening rod that they would have 3000 volts going through their body. Yes, my ex referred to me as being a rat bastard; that is worst than being a sick bastard. I have used Nickolaus in Firefly, WBS, Beseen, and where I had met my ex of two years while I was in Firefly just after gaining control of the place. I have a lot of web projects and I am doing a website which would incorperate my deadjournal.

Monday, December 10, 2007

"the motherfucking bio" or "incest"

So you want to know a little about the sick motherfucker behind the page?

Here's the is my fucking asl for you fucks on AOL who get off on that, so on with the motherfucking bio:

  • Date of Birth: 08/03/76
  • Age: Do the fucking math, fucktard.
  • Sign: I am a fucking leo, lets leave it at that
  • Sex: male
  • Height: 5'10"
  • Weight: 170# (I sometimes get to 180 pounds at times, I flutter between 170-180)
  • Eyes: brown
  • Hair: I have natural black hair, and the top is past my chin
  • Blood type: A postive
  • Shoe size: 10½
  • Waist: 31" (wear a 30 or 32 if I could get a pair of jeans in my size.)
  • Inseam: 34"
  • Heritage: Italian
  • Marital status: Single
  • Children: Had one ***, but had to place *** up for adoption
  • Sexual orientation: Heterosexual (ha!)
  • Place of residence: Morris, IL
  • Place of birth: Elk Grove Village , IL
  • Occupation: writer, webmaster
  • Goth code: I sincerely don't think so
  • Religion: non-practicing Christian
  • Food: Omnivore
  • Alcohol: Snakebite, Beer and Whiskey
  • Cigarettes: Newports, but I don't smoke as often as when I was younger
  • Musical tastes: Black Sabbath, Morbid Angel, Savatage, TOOL, Merciful Fate, Megadeth, From Angels To Ashes, ICP (shut the fuck up) some Cruxshadows but mainly I listen to thrash and industrial metal. I have been listening to a band from Illinois called Alone, befriended the vocalist and drummer of the band, and part of their promotion crew. I did listen to Metallica before they turned into pricks but the band that I had listened to all along was Pantera and Voivod. Basically anything with the sonic guitars and intellegent and deeply written lyrics.
  • Inspired me to become a writer: It would have to be the writings of H.P. Lovcraft, more so than any other writer out there. I had grown up watching horror films and read many books on gothic folklore (witches, werewolves, and urban myths.)
  • humor: I have a very sick and warped sense of humor -- especially when it comes to anti-homosexual jokes, necrophilia, self-mutilation,and insest. Some say I have a humor that is on the lines of Insane Clown Posse -- I like the humor to them though. Nothing like the sick humor of the midwest. I like to combine all three or elements of them when it comes to making sick jokes in chatrooms. This is what Robert Bloch did -- wrote a story that reads like an extended sick joke.
  • What drawn me to the gothic? It would be the writings of the gothic which had drawn me to it. I am not one who frequent clubs on a regular basis -- used to when I was 19-21 years old but I would go to a club if Rinat is doing a show or trying to meet up with someone online. I fell into the gothic as a metalhead -- a crossover as a writer, sometimes will go goth dancing but I rather be in a mosh pit. Gothic is in the philosophy and beyond wearing the make up -- I wear the black though but it is influenced more by Biohazard, Black Sabbath, and Slayer than Cruxshadows because I don't do the moose abuse or hair spray. The band that ultimately lead me to the gothic was a Christian band, Sacred Warrior, and Black Sabbath.
  • Is there anything I have missed? Ask me at nickolauspacione@bloodmoon.every1.net

Friday, December 7, 2007

"Wild Eyes" or "I could sound like Simon if I wanted to be. It is easy to say I am the American version of Simon when it comes to Literature."

utter shit..

3 Comments: 5

3/1/04 at 1:57AM (1M23h ago)

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This has to be the worst
work of fiction
I had ever read. Even Jeremy was better than this and he
sucks; so tell me SushiSanwich was that one a painful write for you -- come
on you do better than that. I will say this much -- the plot sucked, you
didn't have much of a plot there and seems like this one was rushed. She
rips on me for not being able to write she needs to look at her own work.
Personally I think this person should die of cancer -- rectal or stomach
cancer, can't decided which one first. I guess it is my time to dish out a
little mindfuckery of my own. You will not even begin the reach the levels
that I had worked 13 years at.

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Posted by:
Date: 3/1/04 at 2:29PM (1M11h ago)

too harsh.

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Posted by:
Date: 3/1/04 at 7:53PM (1M5h ago)

I could sound like Simon if I wanted to be. It is easy to say I am the
American version of Simon when it comes to Literature.

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Posted by:

Date: 3/3/04 at 11:43PM (28d1h ago)

Do you have a lazy eye? I love Lazy Eyes!! I'm a psycho for them!! Nicky,
you don't mind f I call you that do you, I think you are HOT! I don't know
why these people are so antagonistic towards you, I think your writing is
great, it's so dark and gothic and scaary! They are all meanies!! Anyway,
you should post more pictures of your face showing your lazy eye! I think
it would be sexy!! Have you written a book? Cos I would love to read it!!

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Posted by:
Date: 3/4/04 at 1:20AM (28d13m ago) Modified:
3/4/04 at 9:32AM (3w6d)

I mind. It is Nick or Nickolaus. Nicky is a pet peeve.
I am
trying to get a collection together of my short stories but I don't have a
pdf program so I can transfer everything to cafepress.com -- since they have
a feature on there that helps get a book together.

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Posted by:

Date: 3/4/04 at 10:49AM (3w6d ago)

One would think that you would need some kind of critical success to gain
the position of the "Simon of literature". Perhaps once you've reached Poe
or Lovecraft's stature you can be an asshole to other aspiring writers,
but it doesn't seem like you have any basis for criticism that harsh. I
haven't bothered to read the piece you're criticizing, it's entirely
possible you're right. But damn, man, you need work too before your
writing is good enough to justify criticism like that. You're wordy as
fuck with more extraneous, pointless phrases than I could ever hope to put
together. Maybe you should revisit some of F. Scott Fitzgerald's work and
gain a small stylistic influence. If the phrase isn't absolutely necessary
and conveys some meaningful detail or description, it shouldn't be there.
I'm not an author myself, so feel free thumb your nose at my opinion.
However, I am an avid reader, including portions of the horror genre, and
you've got a long way to go.

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Posted by:

Date: 3/4/04 at 5:50PM (3w6d ago)

Oh I'm sorry Nickolaus, I would love to see your collection of short
stories, I hope you get this PDF program soon! I would just steal it from
work!! ;-) but that's just me. Where do you work Nickolaus? In your email
to me you said you had a conndition called "Wild Eye"! That sounds really
cool, even though it would make it hard to see... But if you had to have a
condition you would want it to have a cool name, hee hee! Any way, look
forward to reading more of your HORROR!!!

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Posted by:
Date: 3/4/04 at 8:08PM (3w6d ago) Modified:
3/5/04 at 5:53AM (3w5d)

Jen, I don't have them on PDF format.
I am on disability because of my mental
condition, the wild eye means I have the eyes that shift around everywhere.
Some people think I am staring at them when I am not.

And Ben, I don't see you writing anything profound -- if you don't like what
I write; don't read it -- go back to reading your fanfiction. Jen -- you can
get a better look at the wild-eyed photo on

. It is
cool to be appreciated for what one does. Ben, I do more than thumb my nose
at you.
Years after "The Blair Witch Project" came out, Nicky still thought it was real. Actually may still think it's real to this day.

And another interesting thing to note-Nicky used to not only date a "witch", he participated in certain rituals with them many times and never had a problem with it. On the contrary; he was glad to in order to show his contempt for the Christian church.

an old letter I had written

03 Sep 2001

Note: This is an email I had written to a contact of mine in the summer of 1999, since I had been posting up journals which I had written about some of the hauntings in Illinois, I thought I would share this email that I had composed to a friend via email. The letter would refer to some of the things that I had written in entries of this blog.

to: (protected)
From: "Nickolaus Pacione" ravenswood@collegeclub.com
Subject: Ghost Story from Illinois

Dear Moree,
As I write this letter, you have asked me about suject of the unknown and of witch cults. This narrative I about to relate is the result of three years of research on the subject -- this is what inspired most of the fiction that I have written in the two and a half years time. That one I spoke of this with in Iowa had suggested that I should take the time to write these observations that I made over the years. I have experience both supernatural and psychological horrors as well as atmospheric terror which is are the things that lurk inside of the depths -- the depths of one's darkest nightmares and of things that are unimaginable or unspeakable. Things like this I had been told not to think about because of my mental condition. I know that what I am writing would be a target of a witch hunt but it has to be said.
There are things that are taboo in the eyes of a person who had been taught in the Christian tradition, namely in rural America. One does not speak of the subject of self murder or of drive by shootings in the open -- where it is in an urban landscape such as Los Angeles, Chicago, Du Page County, and New York City these topics are spoken of openly. The thing which is the subject for the Blair Witch Cults are kept well hidden and the revelation of this is too chilling to relate, but as one sat in coffeehouse or a diner stool -- this is the subject of a deep philosophical discussion in the eyes if one from a city such as Chicago, hence where I am from. When I moved to the North Iowa in 1998, my observations of a small town are not as one from a small town would see it -- one that would follow their high school sports closely.
That I would ask them about a thing that is unnerving, such as the murders in Addison -- they would view me as a witch because I read books as horror novels and music as heavy metal music, namely Death (such bands with the names Six Feet Under and Obituary) and Grindcore. It is as this that would invoke a witch hunt such as the one in New England in the 1700s and 1800s -- the thing that intrigued three film students to go film a documenty in the woods of Maryland. This is the very thing that inspired many horror fiction tales and urban legends that would live forever -- such as the haunted areas in Chicago and dark histories that taken place in its surburbs, namely macabre murders and evil deeds of poisonings. If one may ask why one as I whom had been taught in the Christian traditions would explore such a morbid topic -- it as H.P. Lovecraft had wrote, "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is the fear of the unknown."
The narrative which I am about to go more into detail is that of a place -- one that is similar to the Blair Witch Cults in New England, but this setting is in Glen Ellyn, Illinois back in 1997. Three years after they had disappeared. This account is of my own encounter with a Witch Cult and a place that I have seen their markings. In the eyes of a Christian from a small town in Iowa would say that I have been consulting with demons because I openly research the darker side of human nature -- examining and exploring the things that invoke the nature of evil.
This sort of thing I was told not to be writing of as a Christian because darkness has no fellowship with light according to what I had been taught in the Pentacostal Church, but as I write I am not innocent of the darker side of life because I have seen a friend who got jumped into a street gang back in 1993, at the tail end of my junior year of high school. But as the story I relate goes on -- I must describe the location of the seminary called the Marynol, an old vacant building on the cornwer of two major highways, IL 53 (Rolwing Road) and IL Route 38 (Roosevelt Road). Just off the highway 53 is a street named Marynol Blvd. Seminary was vacant for quite sometime, but as I walked up to the place there was some activity to it, activities that are of an unnamable nature -- that they a result of a witch cult. A witch cult -- as one that takes part in the Black Masses, a dark sabbat.
That the picture that I can still see to this day is that of the graffetti which is left by various high school kids that would ditch class to smoke or to do coccaine which was usually the case. But there were stories of the Marynol being haunted -- the type of thing that would birth a gothic tale, though in the eyes of a Southern Baptist the stories are an act of witchcraft in themself. If one was to ask a person raised in the Christian Church about the seminary, they would say that the stories are not true then com up with a sermon where one should repent of the curiousity -- like one who has a mental condition such paranoid schizophenia or mutliple personality disorder is possessed by demonic forces. But as one writes this, the question of mental illness is not the issue or of what had been taught, namely what was taught in the Assemblies of God churches. That as one from Iowa would say that I am not right in my mind because I read horror and find urban legends intriguing because that is what drove one to have such an imagination.
As I would go further, one recalls the details inside of the hallway, namely of the inside of the Marynoll. The images were that out of "Call of Cthulhu" with the graffetti -- it seemed like it was taken out of the Necronomicon, inside -- indeed was as dark as the barron subway tunnels and the caverns as what I had visited in Eagle Cave during the years that I had been a Boy Scout. The place was similar to the setting of a vampyre novel but one thing that made it even more disturbing is that the floor was covered with shards of broken glass and torn pages from books that appeared as old bibles. In fact they might of been pages from the Holy Writ, but in the darkness and the dimly lit sunlight of the dusk sky one was not really able to tell.
Though the thoughts inside my mind are dawn from the dark images which I read of in the numerous horror novels and short stories I read, but the things were that of a nightmare I could not awaken from, though according to my friends whom were from the church would say that my curiousity is unnerving. Unnerving as some of the things that I have seen while walking around in Cabrini Green, and as some the stories I overheard while riding the L-trains in Chicago. This is where I first heard the story about the Marynol.
In the time that I have been writing I crossed paths with many different individuals -- especially while riding the L-trains and the commuters into the city. I would often compare notes with local covens that I knew of while I'd spent some time in Naperville. Some of the most frightening tales were often told by them. This is whom I had shared the account of going into the Marynol, though it almost ended with me wearing a pair of silver bracelets attached with a connecting chain. A friend of mine here from Iowa, from a small town called Charles City had once asked me about the inspiration and I had to tell him about the place -- the place that mirrors the setting for the Blair Witch Cults, but in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, instead of in Maryland. What I told him was of the details inside of the chapel.
The roof of the chapel was made of stained glass, and it was all broken, weather beaten -- as it would look on the outside of a run down housing project in Addison. The floor of the chapel was cover in water from the years of rain water and melted snow, which in the dark appeared as blood from a human sacrifice. The center of the chapel had a table of some kind -- looked as an altar to a morbid ritual since there were candles that had been burned down to almost nothing. A picture out a book I once read describing a Black Mass that I found in the Glenside Public Library a year earlier. I had been told by Jerimiah, a former classmate that what I am researching is forbidden, but what I had uncovered are the horrors that should not be.
Though the narrative would give one the insight or the research that one would need to write about the subject about the occult, or of the places that inspire modern day horror stories of which will be passed down -- an urban legend. In the remaining details inside, I write of the details that were in each room -- the domitories had walls that were crumbled and broken glass blanketed the floor as a carpet full of razor blades. That one if they told of this as I had written this letter, it would be the creation of a nightmare -- a nightmare in reflection, a mirror to the wtich cults that inhabit New England as the place that would be the location where the three had disappeared back in 1994. This in the eyes of the Iowa Christian would be the suject of a witch hunt because of what they fear what they cannot begin to understand -- that one who has an open mind is a target for persecution in a Bible Belt.

Nickolaus Pacione

Thursday, December 6, 2007

"For that someone should burn your house down for it."

Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 05:54:03 -0600 (GMT-06:00)
From:"Nickolaus Pacione" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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To:"Expose TheTard"
Subject: Re: Fuck You
So that gives you the right to steal my shit?


Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 05:58:31 -0600 (GMT-06:00)
From:"Nickolaus Pacione" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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To:"Expose TheTard"
Subject: Re: Fuck You
I want all my files back without the watermarks. Give them back. I will get your blog shut down and your e-mail removed from you.


Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2007 06:11:44 -0600 (GMT-06:00)
From:"Nickolaus Pacione" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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To:"Expose TheTard"
Subject: Re: Fuck You
Hey dyke what right do you have in stealing my artwork -- it doesn't have a creative commons on it so you don't have the right ot watermark my work asshole. For that someone should burn your house down for it.


Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:16:37 -0800
Subject: you think I am bluffing
From:"gothicpreacher@rocketmail.com" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Dear exposethetard@yahoo.com,

Nickolaus Pacione (gothicpreacher@rocketmail.com) would like to remind
you to pay for the following Money Request through PayPal.

Money Request Details

Amount: $500.00 USD

Note: Give me all my pictures and artwork without the watermarks or I
will charge you more each day. $500.00 right now will be
billed to your account then it will be a $1000. This is not a
fake bill -- you steal my work, consider it shop lifting.


Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:17:04 -0800
Subject: Nickolaus Pacione has updated your Money Request
From:"gothicpreacher@rocketmail.com" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Dear exposethetard@yahoo.com,

Nickolaus Pacione (gothicpreacher@rocketmail.com) has just updated the
following Money Request:
Money Request Details

Amount: $500.00 USD

Subject: you think I am bluffing
Note: The Files without the watermarks or the money. It's up to you.

Report Him Anonymously

Copy/paste url of offending website

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