Expose The Tard Exposing the truth from as far back as 1993.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I was not a big person in high school

Sunday, December 29th, 2002
8:09 am - you were in special education?
The journal that I got going at diary-x is now listed in a database of weblogs and journals. I never even thought I'd be added to here but for me to be listed -- that is a good thing because it would allow me to get new readers to the written works that are on there, and the nice thing about that journal is that they don't need to start in order. It basically a collection of narratives that I wrote of the various nightmares that I had over the years and being that I am dianosed with a mental illness and a learning disability. I had to live with a nightmare of being tormented day in and out when I was in school -- those type of things tend to stick with someone when they are older in life. Teased as a youth -- think differently as an adult. It is all the same when they are kids now except they would not think twice about putting a bullet in the bastards head for making fun of them.
What was it like being in special education -- depending on the person who was in there. Some people tend to take it better than others but where they are treated like they are less of a person or not a person at all is when the nightmares become inked out. The only time I really felt semi-normal and not disabled was when I was in college. Everywhere else I feel so clumsy at times. I sometimes wonder how I even last at times or even got myself off the street when I was in Iowa. It was back in February 1998 when I was sleeping beneath a bridge -- almost as someone a few years ago told me when I was 17 that I was going to end up in a cardboard box.
I have been called a lot of names by my peers -- nerd, geek, dork, fucken reject, and spaz were some of the nicer ones. They got meaner with them at times, and sometimes I start poking back -- usually when I did this I would get really macabre about it with the humor; they don't like it or when they get punched in the head. This what I do with the diary-x journal is the punch in the head to those who basically made it a sport out of making fun of me. I would love to see them reading this and wonder why the hell did they make fun of this person. Also for those who are now bullies -- they might not see what their future would hold, so I wrote the piece 13 Oct 1993.
They don't even know what those names do to someone like me -- now I am one who would use the inspiration to write but someone who was younger than me would take and try to either shoot them in the head or stab the person in the shoulders with a sharp object. I was not a big person in high school, more the target for bullies -- parents did not like to spend a lot of money on me or did not have the money because of all the bills they were paying out for the house in Glendale Heights. I did tend to relate better with the adults than of my peers -- one teacher discovered that I had something, but I did not know it yet at the time. Alll of that name calling I took, and tormenting that I took kept me from studying in class and my grades suffered because of it.
The ones that were the worst about it would have to be the underclassmen -- especially the ones who were towering over me by about a few feet. I did have a few friends during that time and wonder what they are doing now type of thing, but the ones who tormented the hell out of me might be reading some of my writings on the internet and wondered who the hell they were messing with then. When the glasses were no longer needed -- what came out was more frightening, and here Iam now -- far more cryptic and haunted with the thoughts.


1:23 pm - over the years,,,, I was sifting through some old pictures -- one that was done about December of 2001 where it was brutally cold. It was not as bad as the January that was this past winter though, but I can remember it was that close. The camera that was used with this one was ended up lost in New Orleans when I was getting ready to come home from Goth Con. That was one of the rare pictures were I was actually smiling. Since that picture I had not really smiled in years when I did various pictures -- even in high school, the photographer had a hard time trying to get me to smile. Sometimes it is hard to remember where we are now if we forget where we have been -- at many times I think about that.
Some of the pictures that were used over the years were actually icons on my livejournal at one time or another. Never really posted them directly in a message because of the way I had the journal designed -- being it was fused with one of my other journals. The very first pictures where someone snapped a few when I was dosing were done in December of 2001, and that was by the bus driver who does the shuttle back and forth to Joliet. That here I am looking back on the years after high school --- I have done quite a bit as far as the travelling goes, but in December of 2000 was the last time I would ever get on a plane. November of 2000 is when I started to get an online journal -- that was the experement as I called it, the one that became Shadowed Thoughts. I was going to use it as a travel journal which I still use it for that and that also became a dreajournal along with the one that I had going now for a little more than two years.
I noticed something over the years, how I went from being a person who was teased a lot to someone who wrote some of the darkest literature online. The question is how does a person like that become the person I am now. I kind of wonder what they would think now when I enter to my class reunion -- a state trotting mistanthrope who writes horror. It sometimes leaves an unnerving thought that some from my graduating class are dead or doing time in prison. That is an observation that my parents made of their graduating class -- as a friend of mine once said in the yearbook, "We've fucked up your world like our parents did for ours." I wonder what the guidence councilors would have to say for themselves if they come across a journal like this or the one that I have outside of here, a journal like I use for the speculative writing. It would not of crossed my mind in 1994 that I would become a full time aspiring writer a little after graduation. A college drop-out who continued to write through ill health and many doses of bad luck.
I have managed to be in contact with a few of the former English teachers that I had when I was in school -- one of them got the hell scared out of them when I gave her something that I wrote. She always hoped that I would not write horror, but deep down it was there. That person when I was 14 wrote a story that as a slasher type of story which had suspense at every turn -- think it must of been the books that I read when on the way up to an outing with a scout troop I was with. This was a troop that I wish I stayed with all the way -- possibly became an Eagle Scout, but my parents worked too long and did not have enough time. Never (correction, only one time) came to my sporting events when I competed in wrestling and track, and being in the special education system -- going into a sport was my way of trying to break a stigma. Since I was not able to do it with sports in college I did it with writing -- used to go to open mic nights when ever I had the chance while some of my friends went to bars and bible studies. I made my way to coffee houses and tried out what I had with them. I heard all the names that I was called -- retard and a few others, I often would cuss them out about it. Then one of them came to me when they lost their dog -- I gave them the look, "why the hell should I help you after all the shit you gave me in school? Okay I will help -- only because there is an animal involved."
I am in touch with a small handful from the old area, been planning to go back there for a few days but it is a matter of when I will though. If I do the class reunion, I would try to meet up with a few of them first a few days before the event. I will try to invite them to a Twilight Tales that is going on in Chicago -- hope they would do the reunion in the winter months because that would be the best effect I can do the reading. Where it would come in the description of the American Siberia. I ran into one of the former classmates on the train when I was in Chicago for a convention. I kind of wonder what they would say if they saw the photography I am doing now or days. Namely the ones in Joliet and the ones that I did when I was in New Orleans. There were a lot of time where I felt very depressed -- that is when I went out and take pictures just so I would do something creative. The guidence councilers never really encouraged the creative outlet hence I kept the writing a secret until after high school when I knew of another writer -- her genre was romance but when she saw I was doing with it, she actually said I was a better writer than she was.
I wonder what happened to this person and if she is still writing. I would not surprise me if she got into writing in the gothic tale after the meeting up with me after high school. I was wondering if the writers who wrote for the literary magazine are writing as well these days -- I remember a lot of talented people who contributed. Some of their works actually had planted that seed for me to do what I am doing. Harassed as a teen -- been called retarded, think a lot differently as an adult, dark by a lot of people. And in that darkness came a lot of my creativity, while I was discovering that I was becoming ill and there was nothing I was able to do about it. Where I learned of my illness -- I used that as a focal point on where ot write, at first I used a faith that long abandoned me.

1 comment:

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