no one came to visit me

four years ago around this time,,,, [04 May 2003|10:05am]
That night was the night I will remember for years to come because that was the day when I had the nervous breakdown. That was one of the longest days of my life; but one where I knew that I was sick and there was nothing I could do about it. Sick in the sense of the mind not of the body, and that is the kind of sick where they would want to put the person someplace. Someplace, that is what people refer to about a hospital for the mentally unsound. They always refer to it as some place. This was the case when I describe of the mental health unit in Mason City, Iowa, the place that is called Five East. I visited my then fiancee, now ex-girlfriend, when she was up there and then another friend of mine who saved my life when I had thought I was going to die from heat stress -- she is now placed in Cherokee.
When I was visiting the then girlfriend when she was there, I was trying not to make references to Robert Bloch or One Flew Over The Coo-Coo's Nest. I rememberd a lot of the dirty looks I got when I walked into there -- they said I belonged in there more than she did, but when I went to go visit the friend up there it was about the time when Columbine happened. Then while I was to go in there -- no one came to visit me, but it was something that I felt it was better that no one did come visit me during that time. I was in there with a lot of people who were having different mental health problems. I think I might of scared the nurses when I started drawing a particular drawing of a chapel which was done in all greys and ink. The one thing which made the big difference in the hospital with me and with the ex and the friend were that they were committed -- I signed myself in. I have known that I had a mental illness for a few years -- namely a learning disability, but it was in the last part of 1999 when I learned the extent of my illness.
My parents had no idea how mental illness fell into the family. They were guessing it has to be the biological father -- that is what scares me because of the fact I don't know when Mr. Hyde would come out again. That is how I describe it because I can be mild-mannered then turn into the monster the next. Where I started this journal was a way for me to help me feel like I am still in the control of my illness. Some of my friends who've I have known for many years are just learning of my dianosis and trying to figure out how they could help me; and that was basically the case four years ago on May 5, 1999.