Going after people's kids again, Nicky?
Where is yours?
You had yours taken away and told you could never, ever see your child again because of child abuse.
Abuse at your hands.
Can you really, honestly talk about people and their kids?
1:29 am - reasons for wanting to go to Starved Rock,,,,
The reason I want to try to get the trip to Starved Rock going within the next weeks or so being that I want to get my mind off what came down on the 20th of April, the Columbine anniversery as well as the day of when I got accused of child abuse. That was the weeks leading into my actually signing into the hospital -- actually might get outing done on the very day of the anniversery of when I signed myself into the hospital. I signed myself into the hospital on May 5th, 1999, being that I knew that something was very wrong with me and I did not know what it was. That was the day I learned that I had a depressive illness, and when they took me in to do the MMPI testing is when I learned of the bipolar diagnosis. I was trying to enlist into the Army at the time but it was on a snap descision and could not find my DD2-14's from when I was in the Navy. So that was more the reason I want to do the trip -- to get the memory of the nightmare off my mind. I have a lot of nightmares about that day because of the fact I get the inquisition dreams at times and sometimes those are the ones that really scare me because I keep thinking my **** is going to hate me, like how I hate my biological father.I think that is the reason I write so much, being that I have a lot on the mind and the reason I travel asmuch as I do. I have a wanderlust at times which I cannot seem to stop at times.
I never travel by Greyhound though -- cramped quarters. The sleeper cars are
cramped quarters but at least I was able to lay down if I was feeling ill.
To my * ******* ******* "******" Pacione,, ******, on ******* **th is your *** birthday at the time I had written this one. I know you are too young to be reading this right now but when you are old enough to read it -- hopefully you would be able to find my name on a search engine and this would pull up. I had been too sick to raise you and would be missing out on you growing up which is something that caused me to die inside because I did not have a father -- well I did but he was basically nonexistant. The father came into my life when I was ten years old -- in form of a step-father. If livejournal is around as long as you are in your teens you would find this, but right now you are three years old -- happy belated birthday, right now I am in tears thinking about you and I will always be your father, no matter what happens -- and your mother always be your mother even though we terminated our parental rights. I did everything wrong in the beginning -- I was too young to raise you at 22, still a kid myself in some ways. And your mother was mentally ill. but now I had know I was too sick mentally to raise you but when you are old enough to read this -- maybe when your are thirteen I will get you an email address through my server, and you can remain in touch with me because I stiill want to be your father and had every intention to raise you but funds were unable to do so because you had many special needs. I intend to have more kids in time and you would have brothers and sisters -- I only pray that if they meet you before I do, don't try to date them because they are related. I am going to tell them about you and hopefully if you have grandchildren, they would see their grandfather published. You mother gave me an aultimatum -- my writings or her. Which was lead to the strained relationship and the state turned us against each other. I did love her and wanted to marry her so I would make things right -- doing the responsible thing, but the responsible thing for me now is to get well from this curse of mental illness -- it is one that was inhereted from your biological grandfather, the asshole who is my birth father. The very reason that I have so many pictures on the web is that you would have something to look at to see what your father looks like -- slight ly changing my looks but keeping a relatively same look that I had when you were born. If you develope a talent for writing -- I would be with you always because that is the gift that I had given you as well as an ability to be creative. I am not sure what ****** gave you but though you may not have the same name you were given but keep in mind that you are always a Pacione. You may not see your great-grandparents because they are up in their years -- just blessed that I have a young mother, and you an aunt that is four years older than you are so if anyone you should try to find is my mother first, your grandmother at birth -- you look more like your mother but you would have some of my quirks such as my illness, a mental illness. When they took you from me I became very suicidal and wanted to end it -- but I felt that if I did that you would never meet me, I want you to look me up before you turn 18. Even if the department of human services would do everything in their power to keep you from finding me do whatever it takes. You will have my quick tempter as well as your mothers because you are a red-head, which you might be quick to sock someone because I was. You might end up socking me because I wanted to sock my father because of him leaving your grandmother. I am doing this on my livejournal because there is a reason for this, and as a father I love you very much -- and you would see him in a print magazine in your lifetime. I started writing so I can find my father because I have so many unanswered questions -- as I would like to say to a friend of mine about myself being the walking riddle. Which is something I had always been -- and that was an enigma. One of the reasons I travel when I can is to drown all the pain inside of not having you in my arms and holding you like a father should. Visitations were not pretty because your mother and I argued at the very end but we had our good times too, at one time we loved each other. But if you find a Jerry Springer taping if you have friends parents who watch it -- ask them about the Springer episode taped April 4th, 2001, at 2:00 PM which was the one called Wild Affairs. Even if you have to call the show and request a copy of it if Springer is still around because that is one you'd be cracking up because your daddy can be a funny man if he wanted to be. September 11th, 2001, you would be too young to remember it but that was the day that your father was lucky because a step-great-aund of yours died in August of 2001 when your grandparents came to see me that saved me a trip down there. That day would of been the day I would of been coming back to Illinois from seeing them -- right now I am not ready to get in the air but when you are 18 and graduating from high school might be the day I am returning to Iowa so I can come see you walk down that isle. As of now I am disabled so I have a lot of time in the world -- but I know with the illness sometimes I would not have it all upstairs but you would see the intelegences coming in the lines somewhere.
Remember that really long letter?
"especially when we had a child together, but the state had taken him away from us."
Are you done going there? Bring that press on, Nicky, we will show all of your quotes, written and video, where you say horrible things about children and those who have passed on.
Bring on the press idiot, we have much to show them.