"my mind was too far gone and need to get the help I needed"

At first reading this you will see something very rare with him in that he actually takes on blame.

But you know who we are dealing with here, and you know he cannot do that. So whatever credit you may give him at the start will receed when you see that he winds up blaming her and the state of Iowa.

Date: 2003-01-30 00:09
Subject: from father to his non-custodial son
Security: Public
Mood: depressed
Music: Theory of a Dead Man

Happy birthday ** -- it is your ** birthday last night. It was ** years ago that I was in the hospital with your mother (even though the mother and I are not talking, we will always be your parents.) I will always be here for you even though the state would not allow me to be your father, my mind was too far gone and need to get the help I needed before I even began to be a father to you. A year ago I did a post like this and one of the longest I had done in a long time along with the one on my birthday; I think of you all the time my **. This was about ** years ago in Feburary that I had to sign you away to adoption, it kills me every time when the holidays come around and when your birthday is here and gone. I hope that your family who is looking out for you is doing a good job since if I tried to write a letter to you, I know that the bitch Blankenship would not make sure you get it. I still have a hate for her that is very strong as it was in 1999 -- but this post being that you are now ** years old but when you turn 14 or 15, that your family would allow you to seek out the father that loves you but the state would never let you see. Your mother might hate me and I never speak with her -- it doesn't mean that we don't love you though. I don't know how she is taking it when she had to adopt you out -- but when I had to sign those papers it felt like the very thing that was keeping me alive was no longer there. So I continued with my writing in vain hopes that when you do find me, that you would find that first then seek me out. I will be 38 when you are old enough to seek me out, that would be a long time though because of the fuck ups of the system Iowa is.